(Logo appears, saying Machinima.com Original)
Sonic: Sonic’s the name, speed’s my-
Snake: Nom! Tasty!
Sonic: Ugh!
(The screen shows all of the stages from SSBB and the words says, "Shippiddge Presents" and then the titles says, "Smashtasm - Episode 1".)
Narrator: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Smashtasm! An online server-based system where players of Super Smash Bros. Brawl can battle each other online. It is here that battles are fought, friends are made and uh, battles are fought. I am the narrator. A generic voice that doesn't actually exist, but moves the plot along for your convenience.
(Sexy music turns on.)
Narrator: (inhales) Don't I sound irresistibly sexy?
(Music stops.)
Narrator: (clear throat) Uh, but enough about me. Let's get on with the story. Our story just happens to be about a renowned moderator in these servers.
(The screen shows Super64 and White Ness on Bridge of Eldin.)
Narrator: A moderator named Super64.
(The sign says, "Username: Super64".)
Narrator: That's him, by the way.
Super64: And that's how I defeated the evil Greg, saved the servers of Melee, and became a mod.
White Ness: Uh... That's great. Who are you, again?
Super64: Huaw, I'm your best friend, Super64. Remember?
White Ness: Uh..., no. You're not. I don't even know you.
Super64: Oh. (turns around) Huh. (turns around) Well then, would you like to be fri- (White Ness is gone) Oh, you’re gone. (puts his head down) Just like everyone else!
(Pakkery appears.)
Pakkery: Oi! Super64! You've got mail!
(The sign says, "Username: Pakkery".)
Narrator: That's Pakkery. He delivers messages to people, apparently. I don't know. I hav--I just read the script.
Super64: Oh. Hey, Pakkery.
Pakkery: Oi! You’ve got another assignment! There’s some acting activity in the new server.
Super64: I’m on it!
(Super64 begins to leave, but then stops and turns around.)
Super64: Oh, by the way, I would lose the British accent. It--it sounds really fake.
Pakkery: Hey, now. What’s this? My accent isn’t fake!
Super64: But--
(Pakkery jumps and spins his bow.)
Pakkery: (quickly) It’s not fake!
Super64: If you say so.
(Super64 turns around and leaves. Pakkery turns around and crouches.)
Pakkery: (in normal voice) Ugh, that was a close one! That guy’s such a dick!
(Screen pans to Super64, who just heard Pakkery)
Super64: Uhh, I still haven’t left yet.
(Pakkery fires an arrow at Super64. Scene shifts to Skyworld. Super64 lands on the left platform.)
Super64: Alright, what’s this I hear about hacks? Come out with your analog sticks up!
(1337f0x jumps onto the right platform.)
1337f0x: You’ll never take me alive!
Super64:13--1337f0x?
1337f0x: Super64?
(The sign says, "Username: 1337f0x".)
Narrator: That's 1337f0x. He’s a hacker, but he’s helped Super64 defeat other hackers in the past, and gained his friendship. This is a bit of a paradox in a number of ways, being that hackers aren’t supposed to be evil or something. Doesn’t really make sense, but I don’t care, I’m the narrator.
Super64: 1337f0x! Oh, it’s been months! It’s so good to see you again!
1337f0x: I’d like to say the same thing, but that would be repetitive.
(Super64 begins laughing. 1337f0x then starts laughing. Super64 laughs some more with 1337f0x doing the same and the screen goes dark. Super64 then starts laughing maniacally, and is covered with the Smash Ball aura.)
Super64: Okay, enough with the badly written dialogue. How’s it hanging, 1337f0x?
1337f0x: How’s what hanging?
Super64: Uh, i--it’s an expression.
1337f0x: What does it express?
Super64: Ehh, what’s up?
1337f0x: Up is a direction!
Super64: (groans) What have you been doing in your life, in recent times?
1337f0x: Oh. You knows, the usual hackery and what-not. You’re not gonna report me are you?
Super64: Of course not! You’re safe with me!
1337f0x: Well, then I guess I’m perfectly safe. Yep, perfectly safe. Nothing bad is ever going to happen. Especially, not right now.
(A Black Fox Player appears and dashes off the platform, grabs 1337f0x and throws him to the right side.)
1337f0x: Gah! Oh nose! How unexpected!
(The Black Fox Player kicks 1337f0x off the stage.)
Super64: 1337f0x! What’s the big idea, pal?!
(The Black Fox Player tries to kick Super64, but Super64 jumps up to the left platform.)
Super64: Oh, so you wanna play, huh? Well, take this!
(Super64 punches the Black Fox Player off the stage.)
Super64: Haha! You’re a fool to think you can even come close to getting me. No one EVER gets me! Especially, not right now.
(A Black Falco Player comes in and knocks Super64 unconscious.The screen goes black. Scene shifts to a custom stage and Super64 wakes up, trapped inside a cage.)
Super64: (groans) Huh? Where am I?!
Black Falco Player: You’re exactly where you need to be!
Super64: Huh!? I-I can’t get out!
Black Falco Player: (laughs) Precisely!
(Two signs say, "Username: Gront" and “Username: Grant”.)
Narrator: Those two are Grant and Gront. They’re low-leveled grunt villains. You get it? “Grunts?”
Super64: Hey, you guys don’t want to mess with me. I’m a mod!
Grant: (laughs) Mods are powerless against us!
Gront: Yeah! Cause we’re gay!
Grant: Exactly! Wait, what? (turns towards Gront) We’re not gay!
Gront: What? Don’t we go around and kidnap people?
Grant: That makes us kidnappers, you idiot! Not gay!
Gront: Ohhh. I have a hard time telling the difference.
Super64: Hey, gay guys. I don’t care. You’re letting me out of here right now!
Grant: We’re not gay!
Gront: Are you sure?
Grant: Yes! (hits Gront) Now shut up, both of you!
Gront: But what about that time you were flirting with-
(Grant grabs Gront.)
Grant: Hey! It’s not my fault you didn’t tell me that was an all-guy server. Now, shut up!
Super64: (groans) How am I gonna get out of this? Wait a minute! Getting out of here is impossible! I’m totally not gonna get out of this cage! Especially, not right now.
(Short pause, nothing happens.)
Super64: (puts his head down) Oh, come on!
Grant: Quiet, you! There is no escape! Your attempts are useless!
Gront: Yeah! Not even an insanely bad plot device can save you now!
(Screen cuts to below the cell, Lamp appears walking and humming.)
Lamp: (humming) Ham. Hum hum.
(The sign says, "Username: Lamp".)
Narrator: That's Lamp. He’s one of Super64’s friends. Also a plot device. Though, I think his light went out quite a while ago. H-he’s retarded. It’s supposed to be funny.
Super64: (gasps) Psst! Psst! Lamp! Lamp!
(Lamp turns around and notices Super64.)
Lamp: Hey, Super64!
Super64: Shh, quiet! Listen, you’ve got to get me out of here! I-I don’t think they can see you. So, I’ll distract them, and you open the cage from the rear.
Lamp: Hmm, I got a better idea. How about I distract them, and you open the cage. After all, I’m really good a distracting people.
(Lamp begins running towards Grant and Gront.)
Super64: Wh-what?! But how am I su-
(Scene shows Lamp appearing behind both grunts.)
Lamp: Hey guys! (begins to crouch quickly) I’m a distraction! I am distracting you!
(Grant and Gront turn around and notice Lamp’s speed-crouching.)
Grant: What the-
Gront: Woah! (crouches) Check out that guy! I’m completely distracted!
Grant: How…, strangely hypnotic!
Gront: This is like the best show ever!
Grant: A repulsive display that fills me with disgust! Revoltion! And an odd sense of arousal... And I can’t look away! Is this what love feels like? No wait, what was just a burrito. My mistake.
(Camera shows Super64, still trapped inside the cage.)
Super64: Well, that was pointless. I’m still trapped in here.
(A Snake player arrives and lands above Super64’s cage. He steps on the switch and lands next to Super64. Super64 turns around.)
Super64: Whoa, are you saving me? Thanks! I-I can’t believe-
(The Snake player grabs Super64, snaps his neck, and gently drops him before leaving the cage. Super64 gets up, and turns around towards the Snake player.)
Super64: Ugh, jerk. Hey, the cage is open!
(Super64 jumps out of the cage, lands behind Grant and grabs him.)
Super64: Who are you, and what did you do to 1337f0x?!
Grant: We know nothing! We’re just low-level grunts!
Gront: What are you talking about? They told us all about the plan.
(Super64 headbutts Grant.)
Super64: Talk! Who sent you?!
Grant: We don’t know! They work in secret!
Gront: Secret? We were just talking to the boss about ten minutes ago.
(Super64 headbutts Grant again.)
Super64: Where’s 1337f0x?!
Grant: We’ll never tell!
Gront: Our boss, Girem6, is holding him hostage. He’s probably using other grunts in a separate server similar to this one.
Grant: Gront, you’re not helping!
(Super64 headbutts Grant again.)
Grant: Why do you keep hitting me?!
Super64: I have no idea! But I’m enjoying it profusely! Now, get out of here!
(Super64 spin throws Grant off the stage.)
Grant: (while falling) This is gonna hurt when I llllllaaaaannnnn…
Gront: OK, run away. (runs after Grant)
Super64: Well, it looks like this “Girem6” means business. If I’m gonna find 1337f0x, I best be careful. Well, I guess I better get going.
(Lamp appears behind Super64.)
Lamp: And, I’ll go with you.
Super64: Ehh, thanks, but no thanks. I don’t really think I need-
Lamp: (crouches twice and jumps) Following time!
Super64: You’re gonna follow me anyway, aren’t you?
Lamp: People wear socks!
Super64: (sighs) Alright, let’s go.
(Super64 and Lamp exit toward the right. The camera pans upwards.)
Narrator: So, off they went to look for1337f0x. A long journey lies ahead of them. Will they succeed? I don’t really care, I get paid either way. Uh, find out in the next episode of Smashtasm!