(Scene opens up with Super64 and Lamp walking across Bridge of Eldin)
Narrator: And so, we find out heroes continuing their search for 1337f0x. (Super64 and Lamp walk through Mario Circuit with a Meta Knight player below them) Though their journey is long, their goal gets closer to them with every step. (Super64 and Lamp walk through Lylat Cruise past a Wolf and black Captain Falcon player) They travel through dusty plains.
(Scene goes to Super64 and Lamp walking through Mushroomy Kingdom)
(A black Wolf player falls onto the right platform. The sign says, “Username: Girem6”.)
Narrator: This is Girem6. He’s the villain and leader of the Gear Hack Force! After the perma-ban of his idol, Greg, he swore revenge against Super64! And created a team of hackers that-- (pause) Wait wai-. Well, there’s three more pages of this dribble! Hell, I’m not reading this! (sound of paper shuffling are heard off-screen) I’m gonna go balance my checkbook. Or, uh, check my, balance book.
Girem6: Oh, it’s you two. Shouldn’t you be guarding the prisoner?
Grant: (laughs) Well, you see, the thing about that is-
Gront: He escaped.
Girem6: What?! Do you two realized what you just done?!
Grant: There was nothing we could do about it! He was just too clever!
Gront: Not really, though. We kinda got distracted and turned out backs on him willingly. Grant’s just saying that because he doesn’t want you to know how incompetent we are.
Grant: (turns toward Gront) Gront! I told you not to say anything stupid!
Gront: I’m not. I’m just telling the truth. If I wanted to say something stupid, I’d do something like this. (turns around and shakes his butt towards Grant) Tikytakytikytakytikytakytoo!
Girem6:(groans) Guard! Hit him!
(A false Bowser falls down the stage and roars. He then slashes Grant, who groans in pain, and jumps off the stage.)
Girem6: Now, I want you both to listen to me, and listen well, because I’m not repeating this. Failure is not an option!
Gront: But, what if we do fail?
(The false Bowser guard drops onto the stage, grabs and headbutts Grant)
Gront: All I’m saying is you can’t really eliminate failure as an option. Making failure impossible is a logical impossibility in itself. I think it was Scott A. Sandage that noted that failure was an important emphasis to-
(The false Bowser guard drops and headbutts Grant three more times)
Grant: Why do I get hit when he says something?!
Girem6: Semantics. Hitting the partner of the offender encourages discipline.
Grant: Oh… well in that case, those boots make you look fat.
(The false Bowser guard grabs Grant and body slams him onto the ground)
Grant: Why did I get hit that time?!
Girem6: Because I blame your friend for that comment. (walks away and then crouches) (sighs) This is the last time I hire gay guys to do a kidnapping job.
Gront: See Grant, I told you we were gay.
(Grant grabs Gront)
Grant: Damn it, Gront! We are not gay! (knees Gront twice before letting go)
Girem6: But how come when I found you guys you were-
Grant: I told you before, I was stretching!
Girem6: But it looked like you were-
Grant: Stretching! I was just stretching, damn it!
Girem6: ...Why did it look like Gront-
Grant: He was helping me.
Girem6: Helping you stretch?
Grant: Look, just, forget it, okay? Let’s just, drop it.
Girem6: Right. The point is I’m going to need a plan to attack Super64. And I think I know exactly what to do. Alan, bring up Super64 on the monitor!
Alan: (off-screen) Rawr! On it, boss!
(Monitor shows up on the center stage, showing Super64 and Lamp walking through New Pork City)
Super64: I think we might be lost…
(A texture-hacked Zero Suit Samus Player lands in front of them)
Zero Suit Samus player: Hey, baby. Looking for a good time? I can make it worth your while.
Super64: A-are you coming on to me? In an online game?
Zero Suit Samus player:That depends, are you liking it?
Lamp: Super64, watch out!
(Lamp jumps in front of Super64 and blasts the Zero Suit Samus player)
Lamp: Yep, just as I thought, a Spam-bot.
(Camera shows a white R.O.B.)
Spam-bot: (leaving) Curses!
Super64: Whoa, that unexpected from you. How did you know it was a bot?
(Cuts to a flashback with Lamp talking to a golden-textured Ganondorf with a Luigi moveset.)
King: Lamp, the city of Dinnertopia needs your help! You have to save us from the Watermelon Monster!
(Screen reveals a giant subspace Bowser)
Watermelon Monster: Rawr, I am the Watermelon Monster. I am going to eat you.
Lamp: Take this, you fiend! I summon Super Pikachu!
(A Captain Falcon textured Pikachu appears and flies towards the Watermelon Monster, knocking it out with one attack)
Watermelon Monster:(knocked out) Oh noes, I am slain.
King: You have saved us all! Now you must take my daughter’s hand in marriage!
(Shows King’s daughter, which is a white Peach player)
King’s daughter: My hero! I love you, Lamp!
Lamp: All in a day’s work!
(Scene shifts back to New Pork City.)
Super64: What part of any of that has to do with my question?
Lamp: What question?
(Scene shows a blue Meta Knight player hinding behind a wall.)
Super64: It sounded like some just shouted, “Oh my god! It’s Super64!”
Meta Knight player: Aw crap. Well, it’s a good thing he can’t see me.
Super64: Hey, look it’s a player! (camera shows Meta Knight’s head) Maybe we can ask him for help.
(The Meta Knight player teleports in front of Super64)
Meta Knight player: Nice try, Super64! But you’ll never get me to reveal 1337f0x’s location! Never!
Super64: Wait a minute, you know where 1337f0x is?
Meta Knight player: Ugh, you tricky beast! You got me to reveal information!
Super64: What are you talking about?
Meta Knight player: Well, you can’t catch what you can’t see! (uses Dimensional Cape to escape) Ha, another successful evasion! I’d say I done-
(turns around to reveal he has only teleported behind Super64 and Lamp)
Meta Knight player: Aw crap! (uses Dimensional Cape to teleport to the left side) Hahaha- (Super64 and Lamp turn around) aw crap! (uses Dimensional Cape to teleport to the right side) Hahaha- (Super64 and Lamp turn around) aw crap! (uses Dimensional Cape to teleport to the left side) Hahaha- (Super64 and Lamp turn around) aw crap! (uses Dimensional Cape to teleport to the left side) Hahaha- (Super64 and Lamp turn around) aw crap! (uses Dimensional Cape again)
Super64: Alright, I’ve had about enough of this. (turns around and charges his Up Smash)
Meta Knight player: (reappearing) Ha-
(Super64 headbutts him to the upper Blast line, KOing him)
Meta Knight player: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Super64: Much better.
Lamp: Shouldn’t you have questioned him? He knew where 1337f0x was.
Super64: Oh, crap! Wait, since when did you staring making sense?
Lamp:(spinning in place) Quack! Quack!
Super64: Maybe I spoke too soon… Let’s follow that guy.
(A Dark Sheik player dropkicks Lamp, knocking him off the stage.)
Dark Sheik: Never mind that. You’re looking for your friend, right?
Super64: How did you know about-
Dark Sheik: I saw some dark guys taking him away. I think I might know where he is.
Dark Sheik: Yeah, follow me.
Super64: Wait a minute, where’s Lamp?
Dark Sheik: He said you were an incompetent partner and would never achieve your goals no matter how hard you tried. Then he stormed off, cursing your name.
Super64: Well that doesn’t sound like Lamp.
Dark Sheik:(with Smash Ball aura) YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE LAMP!
Dark Sheik: What?
Super64: You just said-
Dark Sheik: Whatever, let’s make like trees, and get the leaf outta here! Come on!
(Dark Sheik dashes off, with Super64 following behind her. Camera zooms out, showing the monitor inside Girem6’s base.)
Girem6: (laughs) All according to plan.
(Girem6 begins laughing evilly, followed by Grant laughing beside him, and then shows Lamp laughing beside Grant. Girem6 and Grant turns towards Lamp)
Girem6: Hey, how did you get in here?!
Lamp: I think the better question is: How did here, get in me?
Gront: I bet Grant would like to know more about getting in you as well, if you know what I mean.
(Grant runs toward Gront)
Grant: Dammit, Gront! It’s stuff like that that makes people question the exact nature of our relationship.
Gront: We have a relationship?
Grant: You’re doing it, again!
Gront: You know what else I like doing? Again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…
Girem6:(groans) Guards, get this guy outta here!
(The false Bowser guard jumps down and throws Lamp off the left side. The camera pans upward)
Narrator: Oh, no! It looks like our hero’s in a bit of a pickle! How will he escape the confiding bride of it’s savory vinegar shell that is Girem6’s trap? It looks like you’ll have to find out next time on the next episode of Smashtasm! I am the narrator, FEAR MY OMNIPITENCE! I want pickle…
Lamp: Hey, kids it’s time for Ask Lamp. Yay! Alight, first question, Niritaki from New York ask, “Dear Lamp, what is your philosophy on women?” Uh, well, women are people, so obviously they wear socks. Alright, next question. Zach from Virginia writes, “Dear Lamp, why are you named Lamp?” Well the answer to that one is easy. Next question. Dave from California writes, “Dear Lamp, if you were to be any animal in the world, what would it be?” Well, that’s a stupid question. That’s all the time we have for today, kids. See you next time!