(Scene opens with Super64 and Princess H in Yoshi’s Island)
Narrator: And so, we find our heroes standing on the ground, talking to each other about things. (in a sarcastic tone) I can hardly contain my excitement.
Super64: So you’re telling me you know how to stop Girem6?
Princess H: But, of course. You don’t work under a man in such a close position without knowing his weakness.
Super64: Ha ha. (turns towards the camera) Sexual innuendo!
Princess H: Girem6 had to have an escape plan just in case something went wrong. So he created a bunch of encrypted items that when collected, would create a detonator that would destroy all the hacks Girem6 had put together. This detonator would activate the second it touched Girem6, so he had the items hidden and heavily guarded in stages no one could access.
Super64: I see. (turns into a textured hacked Sonic) So what’s your plan, Tails?
Princess H: We need to get those detonator pieces! So here’s what we do. (walks up and whispers to Super64)
Princess H: Sorry, maybe I not speaking clearly enough. Here’s what we do. First, we need to-
Super64: (interrupting) What?
Princess H:(loudly) I SAID WE-
Super64: (interrupting again) What?
Princess H: Can you really not hear me?
Super64: No sorry, I really can’t.
Princess H: On that’s- wait, then how did you hear what I said just now?
(Super64 is seen holding a sandwich)' '
Super64: I guess I can’t hear women.
Princess H: What is that? Is that a sandwich?
Princess H: That’s a sandwich, isn’t it? Where did you get a sandwich?!
Super64: LEEAVE ME ALOOONE!
Princess H: Give it to me!
Super64: No! Get your own sandwich!
Princess H: Give me that sandwich!
(Super64 throws the sandwich into the air)
Super64: There! Now no one gets it. Happy?
(Princess H is now Sheik covers in Smash Ball aura)
Super64: Ah, I guess that’s a no.
Princess H: I WILL RAPE YOU!!!
(Super64 shrieks and runs off with Princess H chasing him)
(Scene shifts to Super64 and Princess H in Shadow Moses Island looking at a map)
Princess H: Alright, according to this conveniently manifested map, there are six pieces. Located in servers 37A, 37B, 89G, 55R, and 69P.
Super64: That’s five pl-
Princess H: (quickly interrupting) No it’s not! Now the first piece should be located riiiiiiight here.
(Drops down locates the first piece) Hmm, that’s weird.
Super64: What is it?
Princess H: Usually there are people guarding the piece. I wonder what happened to them?
(Scene shifts to Luigi’s Mansion with Grant looking at a mirror)
Narrator:Meanwhile, in a nearby gear-hack server.
Grant: Oh my.Look at you. You are one sexy little black bird. No one can touch this! Aw yeah, Look at you dance! (starts dancing) I’m awesome! (continues to dance in front of the mirror)
Grant:(clears throat) Hey, Gront. I was um-I was just uh... Nothing! Nothing at all! I wasn’t doing anything at all.
Gront: Really, really?
Grant: Yes, really.
Gront: Are you sure?
Grant: Yes, Gront! I’m positive! I wasn’t doing anything!
Gront: Because, it looked like you were talking to that two-way mirror.
Grant: Gront, I was not- Wait, the- the what?
Gront: The two-way mirror over there. You know, the one that’s hooked up directly to Girem6’s monitor.
Grant: (looking towards the mirror) What? I-it-it’s a what? (stuttering) Are you- are you serious?!
Gront: Ha! Just kidding!
(Gront begins laughing along with Gran, laughing nervously)
Grant: Ah, you scared me for a minute. (sighs) Hey, isn’t there something we’re supposed to be guarding like a- like a piece, or something? Or something?
Gront: Hm, you’re right. I can’t help but remember Girem6 telling me something about it. I think it was when we were training. No, it was when we were rock climbing. Or sparring. Or running in place. Man, we do like running in place. Just jogging. Jogging jog jog jogging. Jogging. Jogging jog jog jogging. Jog. Jog. Jog. Jog. Jog. Jog.
(In this scene, Grant and Gront sing The Village People’s “Macho Man” and do a very elaborate dance. Unfortunately, due to copyright concerns, I’m not allowed to show you it to you here. To view the dance scene, click the link in the description. Enjoy the rest of the episode. [adult swim])
Grant: Man, that was fun! Gront, you’re the best partner I’ve ever had!
Gront: Heh heh. Well I-
Grant:(quickly) Not that kind of partner!
(Scene changes to Girem6’s base showing Grant and Gront in a two-way mirror cam)
Grant:(on monitor) Why do you say things like that? It creeps me out.
Girem6: Honestly, I don’t know why I keep these guys around. I think I just like the entertainment. What do you think, Alan?
Alan: Rawr! I think you can save a load of money on car insurance by switching providers, mate. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to jump in a tank full of sting rays!
Narrator: Well that’s just dumb. Let’s get back to the main story.
(scene shifts to Super64 and Princess H walking up a long path of stairs.)
Super64: Wow, it’s taking a really long time to get to this one.
Princess H: This piece is the most important one of all. And it’s protected by an extremely complicated world famous security system. Just getting to it alone takes a good ten minutes walking up these steps. (Both of them reach the top of the stairs and Princess H gets the detonator piece) (sighs) here we are.
Super64: Wait, I thought you said there was a security system here.
Princess H: Actually, everyone’s so afraid of the world famous security system that no one even tries to steal the piece; so they didn’t need to put a security system here at all. The real security system is the fear of a security system that doesn’t actually exist.
Super64: Wow, really?
Princess H: Psssss, no. (alarm turns on) RUN!
(Princess H begins to flee. Scene shifts to Onett as Super64 and Princess H approach a Mickey-textured Lucario)
Racist Mickey: If youse want this piece, youse gotta tell me a racial joke.
Narrator:Oh! Oh! I got one!
Princess H: (to the narrator) No!
Narrator:Aw, come on…
Super64: Can’t we just beat you up or something?
Racist Mickey: Nope. Racial joke.
Racist Mickey: Racial joke!
Princess H: Well, I’m Jewish, so-
Racist Mickey: That joke sucked!
Princess H: That wasn’t-
Racist Mickey: Tell a better one!
Super64: Alright, fine! (Scene shifts to Mario Circuit with Sonic racing Captain Falcon) Sonic and Captain Falcon were running across the track, when suddenly Sonic says to Captain Falcon “Kids, there’s nothing like getting-” (Scene goes back to Onett)
Princess H: Wait, is this a racial joke or a racing joke?
Super64: Oh, hey Pakkery! Come to deliver a message for me?
(Racist Mickey: (offscreen) Oh, hey buddy. To get past here, you need to tell me a-Hey! What are you doing?! Auugh!)
Pakkery: What? No, I just came by to say hello. What, you think I just deliver everyone’s mail all day?
Super64: Oh well, I-I just thought-
Pakkery: You don’t think I have a life of my own?
Super64: Pakkery, if you wanted to say hello, I really-
Pakkery: No! You know what? I don’t even want to do it anymore! I tried to be nice to you, but you just have to be a close-minded prick, don’t you?! Don’t you?!
Super64: I-I was ju- I was just-
Pakkery: YOU DO! You know what? I’m never speaking to you again! Oh, and here’s your mail by the way. (Throws a capsule at Super64) Ass. (Jumps up and leaves)
Princess H: Wow, you are a jerk.
Super64:(sighs) Hey look, a detonator piece.
(Jumps over an unconscious Racist Mickey and grabs the detonator piece. Meta-Dark appears on a rooftop.)
Meta-Dark: Sorry Super64. I can’t let you take that!
Super64: Oh my god!
Princess H: Oh my god!
Future: Oh my god!
(Super64 turns around and notices a red-textured Sonic player)
Super64: Wh- who are you?!
Future: Oh, hey. What’s up? I’m Future.
Super64: But what are you doing here?
Future: Oh, it’s okay. I’m not even here right now.
Super64: What? (Future is gone) Oh, he’s gone.
Princess H: Who’s gone?
Super64: I don’t know. I don’t recall anyone being there. Ever.
Meta-Dark: Stop forgetting about me!
Super64: Oh right. Oh my god!
Meta-Dark: You’re capture is vital to my promotion, Super64. And I won’t let you fool me again!
Super64: I’m sorry. Do I know you?
Meta-Dark: Don’t try to outsmart me. I know your game now. And you can call me “The Puppeteer”. (chuckles)
Super64: Look, if you’re not gonna attack me or anything. I’m just gonna get going.
Meta-Dark: I’m afraid I can’t let you leave with that piece! (Super64 and Princess H are gone) Dammit! I’m so bad at this!
(Scene shifts to Delfino Plaza)
Princess H: Careful. Getting this one is tricky.
(Super64 approaches the next piece but get stopped by a textured Snake player)
The Riddle Man: Hello there, player! Who am I you ask? Why, I am the Riddle Man! Master of trickyaradotes that will keep your brain spinning! Only after you answer my three riddles can you pass and get the next piece! Riddle Number 1: What has four arms and-
(Super64 uppercuts The Riddle Man, knocking him out and gets the final detonator piece)
Super64: I think this is the last piece! We did it!
Princess H: Yeah! Hey Super64, uh, do you believe that love can bloom on the battlefield?
Super64: I don’t know. Let’s find out. (Scene shifts to Battlefield with a small awkward pause) Nnnope, I’m not feeling it.
Princess H: Huh, forget I asked.
Narrator:Looks like those two are dealing with some mixed signals. Will Super4 be able to defeat Girem6 with this newfound strategy? Or will he just screw it up with another bad pun?
Princess H:(groans) There it is again!
Super64: There what is?
Princess H: That voice in my head. I keep hearing it.
Super64: That’s called thinking.
Princess H: No. It sounds like some man. Some very sexy–sounding man talking to me; except he’s not talking TO me, it’s like he’s talking ABOUT me.
Super64: That’s even better! I wish sexy men would talk about me!
Princess H: (confused) What?!
Super64: Eh, what?
Narrator:Huh, creepy. Find out on the next episode of Smashtasm!
Lamp: Ahoy, sailors! It’s time for another “Ask Lamp”! Argh? Our first question is from (tries to pronounce name but couldn’t) he ask, “Dear Lamp, why was this episode so boring and unfunny?” Well the answer to that is obvious because I was invisible the whole time. Duh! Our next question is from Sarrugnes and Sarrugnes asks, “Dear Lamp, it’s been two hundred thousand years. Why hasn’t there been another Smashtasm episode?” Well, it hasn’t been that long it’s been like one or two years. That’s all the time we have for today, kiddie winks Toodles!